Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   busy re-wrapping extra strength chocolate ex-lax in Hershey miniature wrappers for the Trick or Treat-ers this week end.

   Dear At&t, can you please stopping dropping my phone calls. I know the iPhone is a great money maker for you, but you guys don't enough bandwidth to service your FLIPPIN handheld media devices plus my FLIPPIN PHONE CALLS... mmmmkkkay thanks

   o═════<()¸„ø¤º°¨¨°º¤øº♪ ♫ ♪. 90 min of this annoying crap.

   Electrolux - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   My neighbor must have not paid her internet bill. I can't get on the internet.

   I bought an anti bullying wrist band today...I say bought I actually stole it of a fat ginger kid

   Did anyone else see Gary Busey get married this morning?

   Just saw a holstein on a church lawn....holy cow!

   When the angels ask what I loved most about life, I'll say you.

   I hate when I sleep on my arm by accident, and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to feel it

   Lawyer to Mickey: Sorry Mickey I can't divorce you from Minnie because she has big teeth.......Mickey to Lawyer: Sir, That's not what I meant when I said she was f*cking Goofy!!

   Oh shut up. You weren't even offended by the word deplorable until you looked it up.

   Trump is trying to stop Yates from testifying because the only thing he hates more than strong women are strong women who tell the truth.

   Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   Voted. Now, I watch and wait to see which loser wins.

   You know when you say "that thinga-ma-bob"? Does Bob say "that-thinga-ma-me" and when I'm talking to Bob should I say "that-things-ma-you"? In a proper setting is it "that-thinga-ma-Robert"? If 2 guys named Bob are together, do they say "that-thinga-ma-u

   "Scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages." They’re calling it “Religion.”

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."

   thinking bush doubled out debt it 8 years......obama will double that in 2! good job america!!