Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want your food delivered faster by the delivery driver working in the middle of a pandemic with very little base pay and no benefits don't forget to tip!

   Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

   America going straight into 'thoughts & prayers' Groundhog Day mode after yet another mass school shooting.

   During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

   I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.

   The Ieft has big vocabularies; the right has big bank accounts. Guess which one pays the bills at the end of the month?

   Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's.

   having a most excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

   I need to start speaking my mind because my tongue is starting to hurt from biting it!

   told by someone that swimming will get you in shape ......IF THAT IS THE CASE SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WHALES ARE SO effin FAT !?!?

   1065 friends on facebook and not one of ya came to vist me.........so up yours

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.

   checking out your facebook albums hoping to see some bikini photos of your girlfriend.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   Did I ever tell you about my roofer who came down with shingles?

   My status has a crush on someone.

   I once went 4 days with out a cell phone. So ya, Third World Countries, I get it now.

   What do you call a big group of lesbians? The Munch Bunch.

   Good morning Tuesday...tell your pal Friday he needs to come around here tomorrow.

   In preparation for the end of the world in 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.