Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to remember the thing I was suppose to remind myself about, but I can't remember where I put my sticky notes.. DAMNIT !!!

   ...Kim Kardash begs fan NOT 2 get surgery 2 look like her. Kim's right. Someone in porn shoulda begged Heidi Montag not 2 look like one of THEM!

   Baywatch" is now showing on Comedy Central ...Ironic..I thought it was a Drama

   I'm seriously reevaluating my MySpace Top 8

   In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   when people make noise by their high heels, I want to smack them, with that shoes, on their head.

   Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them.

   Whenever God closes a door, the Devil pushes me out a window.

   Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   ** Breaking News, stores in Colorado and Washington are having a hard time keeping up with the demand for Funyuns. Store owners say the demand has grown a million times since yesterday. **

   Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   Hi, my name's Steve, or as the ladies like to call me "Hey, what the hell are you doing in that tree with those binoculars, get out of here you freak!!!"

   can't help but wonder just how different the world would be if people's pants actually caught on fire when they lied. 0 up, 0 down

   I think "Charlie" In The Box is a little light in the spring. If ya know what I mean.