Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   Well aware how much wood a woodchuck could chuck.

   I'm booking a cruise ship for a trip from reality. I need a count. Who wants tickets?

   Today, everyone was telling me a girl I like wanted me to ask her on a date. I approached her, and asked if it was true. She said yes, but only because she wanted to reject me in person. FML

   I didn't get a toy train for xmas like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   They say bears are attracted to women on thier menstral cycle. Brave bears! Women don't have anything to worry about though because I think a 800 pound bear against a 100 pound women with cramps, it's pretty much a even fight don't ya think? In fact my mo

   Most of you are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make sure 2009 leaves.

   Let's see how forthcoming my FBF'S are . Leave a swear word or your favorite cuss . I know most of you have potty mouths so go for it let loose.

   thinks a balanced meal is chocolate in both hands

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   an angel. When someone breaks my wings, I simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. I am flexible.

   Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

   I doubt, therefore I might be.

   thinks that the legalization of marijuana for medicinal purposes should have been part of the Health Care Bill. I could then have developed a serious case of anal glaucoma and I would be too stoned to care about all the money this is going to cost us.

   I want my boss to tell my coworker to shave her mustache! If I have too she has to too.