Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"One of the few things I really about FaceBook is that you can post or quote almost anything and few people will question it."- Abraham Lincoln :)

   Cats are so disgusting it makes them puke.

   Whitney finally caught up to her career.

   Casey Anthony tried to celebrate her acquittal last night at Chili's but waiters kept walking by singing, "I want my babyback babyback babyback... I want my babyback babyback babyback..."

   If 'faith' was based on evidence then it would be called 'knowledge'. It isn't because it isn't.

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

   taking a walk outside her mind

   I had a dream that I got a job with Lynyrd Skynyrd, and then I woke up. I didn't even make it to my first live show.

   Amy Winehouse dead at 27?!? Wow! If only there had been warning signs...

   Childbirth...So easy even a woman can do it!

   Ladies, leave the football related posts to us boys and we'll leave the laundry posts for you...

   You know you are in deep financial crisis when you wife is giving you Bl@wjob just because you can't afford to buy yogurt.

   How does a lesbian hold her liquor? By the ears.

   If America had a slogan it'd be "Don't bother me, I'm eating."

   "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

   My epileptic wife had a seizure in a bathtub full of water so I threw in some dirty laundry and laundry detergent. WIN !!!

   LIKE if you hate when someone tags you in a horrible picture.

   My cat's black and he doesn't get offended when I use the 'N' word, so why should you?

   can't find a valentine even though I have gotten my bedwetting problem under control... what else do you lady's want from me... to watch lifetime with you???

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.