Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   The day after a big turkey dinner I always have fowl smelling farts.

   I hope the black guys lose

   I don't need a president in charge of my gall bladder...

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   Since we're not allowed to talk about gun control right after mass shootings, having them happen back-to-back is a real time-saver...

   I bet the guy that named the fireplace also named the hot air balloon.

   lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.

   On her knees with a nice scalp of hair is how I like seeing your girlfriend while you're away at work.

   Sorry to the USA womens hockey team...SO sorry for being so awesome!

   I just went to print out last nights Powerball numbers to see if I won.... and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   How the heck can people get so excited over a game that can end in a tie? Is it gratifying when you're kissing your sister as well?

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   Xmas idea: let your child watch Chucky, then explain Elf on the Shelf

   "I was Country, when Country wasn't cool." Newsflash. It still isn't.

   CNN money reported that the places trump won, represents 71% of the income tax from middle and lower class. L1bs hate them because they have a work ethic.

   BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is closing this February 29th-31st in observance of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial service. Please take note.

   Wanting to watch OANN for the truth is like eating donuts for weight loss.

   Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300