Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Be careful the bridges you burn today may be the very ones you will one day have to cross! 
There's a good chance that any empty can you see rolling along the sidewalk is just Patrick Swayze's ghost learning how to move objects.
Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.
If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!
Facebook needs these 3 buttons: “Dislike”, “Who cares”, “Are you an idiot?”
Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. This is awesome because I was just starting to think that Chewbaccas were becoming extinct...
We installed a Cain Train around the base of our Christmas tree, but it keeps stopping to hit on the Sugar Plum Fairy ornament.
On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.
Search engine guide: BING = "But It's Not Google!" , YAHOO = "You Always Have Other Option" , GOOGLE = "Great Omnipotent Optimal Guide to Lots of Everything".
Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war
If I ever meet David Blaine, I will just kick him in the nuts and then scream "Ta-daaah!"
If I were Vera Wang and I had a boy, I would name him Very Large Wang.
“Can someone send me airtime?”, “Can someone buy me this nice pair of shoes I saw at the mall?”, “Can someone buy me a ticket to the Trey Songz concert?”, “Can someone bring me lunch to my workplace?” - a s1ut's facebook st@tus upd@tes.
Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs
Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)
Got my passport application forms back today..... Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer.
Hey Mom! I have good news!" "You got a 100% on your math test?!" "I said I have good news, not a miracle"
Life is s( o )( o ) much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.
My famly takes monopoly very serious. Everyone brings their own calculator cuz we dont trust any Bankers since the bailout! 