Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im going to get some crayons and puppets and teach you snowflakes how to vote so yo dont have to cry again in 4 years

   If they can't afford an extra $500 a year or $41 a month they shouldn't be buying a house. I guess another bailout like in 2013 of the FHA is more preferable. Taxpayers dont want to buy you another house which you will most likely default on.

   children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.

   I discovered a new hidden talent, making women cry.

   I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street

   Man am I tired, it's time to pretend I'm an air traffic controler...

   Arriving to an event in a Hummer limo is a great way to let everyone know you have herpes.

   I find my kitchen sink stays much cleaner by washing my dishes in the toilet. When did you say you wanted to come over for dinner?

   that awkward moment when your sisters new boyfriend is sitting on the porch and doesn't realize my WHOLE family was watching him when he wiped his booger on the front porch!

   So the name of the show will now be One and a Half Men and a Douche?

   Hey there, I'm your hopes and dreams, I won't be around for long so lemme make this quick. I am being destroyed by everyone. Mostly the president. And shake-weight.

   The new facebook photo viewer is so Biebish!

   wondering who paid $40000 for a lock of Justin biebers hair. Maybe a paedophile wants to use the DNA to clone him.

   Trying to forget someone who once beat the crap out of you is like trying to remember someone you never met

   Life without bears would be unbearable‏

   Lance Amstrong! You know what they say! Once you learn how to ride a bike on performance enhancing drugs, you never forget!

   Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

   I have never heard the word Weiner said so much on TV before.....it's like an on air sausage-fest.

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   I would have emailed sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.