Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Can someone call my daughter and find out if I should bomb Syria? She's very beautiful, you know."

   Rocket Man & Dotard meet in Nambia to avoid another bowling green massacre, Obama tapes the entire thing via microwave.

   The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

   that March 20th inauguration happening? Anybody know? Anybody? I don't want to miss it again.

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.

   Hi, this is your president, Donald Trump. I'm interrupting this program because I think it's a stupid show. It's terrible ok? You're fat by the way.

   children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.

   I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street

   Man am I tired, it's time to pretend I'm an air traffic controler...

   Arriving to an event in a Hummer limo is a great way to let everyone know you have herpes.

   I find my kitchen sink stays much cleaner by washing my dishes in the toilet. When did you say you wanted to come over for dinner?

   that awkward moment when your sisters new boyfriend is sitting on the porch and doesn't realize my WHOLE family was watching him when he wiped his booger on the front porch!

   So the name of the show will now be One and a Half Men and a Douche?

   I discovered a new hidden talent, making women cry.

   Hey there, I'm your hopes and dreams, I won't be around for long so lemme make this quick. I am being destroyed by everyone. Mostly the president. And shake-weight.

   The new facebook photo viewer is so Biebish!

   wondering who paid $40000 for a lock of Justin biebers hair. Maybe a paedophile wants to use the DNA to clone him.

   Lance Amstrong! You know what they say! Once you learn how to ride a bike on performance enhancing drugs, you never forget!

   Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.

   I have never heard the word Weiner said so much on TV before.....it's like an on air sausage-fest.