Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

   How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   The only rime I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish sendkng a text.

   Word of warning...never sneeze while eating powder donuts and driving all at the same time, it plays hell trying see thru the spray on the windshield!

   DMV kicked Lebron James out of the organ donor program for having NO HEART......

   Somebody just texted me saying..what does IDK mean? And I replied I don't know, she said OMG nobody knows!!

   You want to know who's amazing and got that cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :D

   Why does my leg hurt after falling asleep? is it pissed off because I woke it up? It needs to be glad I am just waking it up and not cutting it off.

   Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shutSincerely, Every iPhone User .

   Dear Trash, At least you get picked up...Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

   just bought this book called "What Men Think About Besides Sex and Money"...... It's 500 Blank Pages...... :-/

   Pretty words aren't always true & true words aren't always pretty.

   that happy feeling you get when you see your bus coming.

   The only people that don't make mistakes are those that aren't doing anything

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   This girl in the street yelled to me "OMG!! Your so hot! I want you!!" Its true. You can ask Brad Pitt he was right behind me.

   What goes around comes around. That's what people say. So all the pain you caused me will come back to you someday.

   wonders if makers of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts ever get "Post" traumatic stress...

   Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.