Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 guys for lunch ...the burger place, you sickos

   Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years.

   Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick..

   After going back to school I can now spell G.H.O.S.T.

   The problem with all these Ivy League MBAs is they have learned to treat consumers as statisics and forgotten how to treat customers as people.

   Well on and on and on and on I can't stop y'all 'til the early morn' So rock y'all tick tock y'all to the beat y'all C'mon and rock y'all I give thanks for inspiration It guides my mind along the way*RIP MCA

   Time to re-boot, these ones are worn right through the sole.

   Like Granny G says, keep it in your pants

   a texas tourist asked an irish man why divers fall backwards when diving to which he replied: if they fell forward they would still be on the boat

   Strange how I'm only on Facebook when I'm on the toilet... I'm literally giving a s$it while reading stuff I don't give a s$it about.

   I managed to work out by tracing backwards to where my relationships with women started to go wrong... I traced it back to... "and God created Eve."

   HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wanted for questioning after he allegedly assaulted a paparrazi. Maybe they just want to talk to Beiber as a witness. It was probably Selena Gomez that hit the guy!

   A woman can make a man a millionaire... If he's a billionaire

   I never realised there is a career for statues in the movie industry until I watched Bella in Twilight.

   PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.

   When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body in the sewer"

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   One hour long text conversation = 5 minute face to face conversation.

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.