Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always place women on high pedestals, it helps you look up their skirts better.

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

   Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   From the moment I saw you, I wanted 2 be inside You, The way you smell, The way your tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....Gotta love new sneakers.

   When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   She's not my girl but I get her to smile

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse.

   We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble wrap...

   The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip

   One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?

   How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok

   Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.

   Being Single on Valentine's Day just reminds how pathetic some people are, and how awesome I still am for Being Single on Valentine's Day."