Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Sean Spicer … reality called. It misses you and hopes you are doing okay.

   I can't wait to back to my favorite bar and say "I'll take a Corona. Hold the Virus."

   The Chicago Bears are changing their name because it offends people who own a pic-a-nic basket and have a friend named Boo Boo.

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   The season is upon us and I personally enjoy a nice port wine for dessert. However sometimes a starboard wine is the right choice.

   LADIES.. ! Please stop asking Santa for the perfect man..I've been kidnapped 3 times this week !!

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...

   ... Isn't it nice to know that anyone can grow up and become "individual 1."

   My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".

   Vaping doesn't kill people, people kills people.

   I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.

   BREAKING: Vladimir Putin gives Devin Nunes an 'attaboy.'

   Eric Cartman was Donald Trump before Donald Trump became Donald Trump.

   Cut Gary Johnson some slack. Donald Trump thought Aleppo was one of the Marx Brothers.

   I love sitting with her at night, holding hands, imagining life without her.

   A good and funny punishment for any man who hits a woman is to be thrown in a cage full of hungry lionesses. Those b itches don't play.

   If you're undecided...vote for the one that held the most babies...

   if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??