Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   closer than he appears in your rearview mirror.

   Michael Jackson may be dead, but his dance moves live through rip-offs of Justin Bieber and Usher

   My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them

   March 4th. I like tomorrows date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   Porn does nothing to me but cause hard feelings anymore

   Many years ago, I was kicked out of the Beastie Boys for suggesting that partying was more of a privilege than a right.

   That weird moment when you're talking in class, then your friend stops talking & you see that your teacher is looking right at u

   The doctor told me I was borderline diabetic. So I told the doctor, 'What are you getting racial for? Why do you got to say 'borderline,''cause I'm Mexican? Can't you say 'almost'?'

   Met someone today at the dentist with only a dollar to their name all they could afford was buck teeth

   I bet George Wendt's web browser has a lot of open tabs.

   Did you hear about the new Emo/Action film? They just cut to the chase scene.

   Attack life,... it's gonna kill you anyway.!!!

   i know you have an open mind..... I can see what's in ur head...nothing

   a light eater . As soon as it is light he starts eating.

   Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.

   Samsung infuse 4G AT&T comercial, with The Lady SCREAMING and the guy Beating the phone with his shoe... Please Hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Thank you

   finally its Jail for Whitey Bulger, brings a new meaning to tighty Whitey

   Down with OPD (Other People's Drama)

   what was that saying from that commercial from the '70's...don't mess with mother nature.

   I used to spend anywhere between $90-$200 on ed hardy shirts..now I use them as rags to clean my car... smh