Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.

   "We would have broke-up alot sooner, but we have 46 mutual Facebook friends and a bunch of new restaurants were opening up..."

   I've never slowly walked backwards in my home, which I credit as the only reason I've never been attacked by maniacs.

   now that Zuckerberg is married, if he divorces does she get the "face" half or the "book" half

   Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.

   I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.

   you know you're getting old when you're nuts are now referred to as "yams"

   After all the upsets today. Cathy from the mailroom is gonna win a $hitload of money off her "Bracket thingy" this year..

   Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

   A Hitler 'stache aint cool bro, esp when its just your nose hairs

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other..... Let the games begin.

   I've got Alexander Graham Bells telephone number....... 1-

   Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?

   Ah...... The irony of the London Olympics being sponsored by McDonald's and Coca - Cola

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   You ever had a gut feeling about having an empty stomach?

   life can be as sweet as you make it.. kinda like kool-aid.. life is kool-aid..