Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what's worst seinfields jokes or his hairline

   Necco Wafers: the barium swallow of candies.

   When I say "It's a long story" to you, It usually means I just don't want to tell you or I'm just lazy to.

   Arthur Carlson said As God as my witness...I thought turkeys could fly not Les Nessman

   Looks like we'll get another year of Lebron James choking.

   one girl scout cookie away from type two diabetes

   Nothing is scarier than an old milky eyed gypsy whispering "don'cha be 'fraid naw."

   Sunday's best part: Reminding everyone of a new long week at work.

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   Can you imagine how scary the Wendy William's Pushing Out a Baby Face looks?

   woke up having unintentionally lost his virginity to a newly unsprung spring in the bed :(

   making a Sexual Bucket List: 50 Things to Do Sexually Before You Die

   In the Costa Concordia movie, the main character should be an Italian cruise ship crash investigator who was planning to retire this week.

   I see ole' Beverly Perdue is packing her Government bags and headed back to her husband Frank's Chicken farm! "Pluck them feathers woman!" heehee

   One advantage of going to sleep drunk: The bed bugs leave you alone.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries...

   You see a lovely group of friends at a dinner party, I see a bunch of people being forced to hold in their farts.

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Fortune cookie from last night. "Bad luck, and misfortune, will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity." What's this. Some kind of sick Chinese joke.