Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OMG! Maury Povich just pulled up with a camera crew.. My fathers day just got complicated.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

   I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

   Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. They're treated like children, and expected to act like adults.

   Al Qaeda has a new leader, may a new round of hide and seek begin

   I'll never forget from my EX last words: "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.

   Happy Fathers Day, mom!!! :D

   No matter what you can do, no matter how talented you are, no matter how amazing and unique that talent may be, somewhere in the world an Asian kid can do it better.

   Some smartphones are actually smarter than their owners.

   Don't forget to thank the Moms too for putting up with the Fathers all along, cause without them their wouldn't be any Dads!!

   I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks

   Happy Father's Day, all! Be nice to your dad today. Remember it's because of him not pulling out in time that you're alive today!

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!

   • When dealing with women, puppy eyes will get you just about everything. Actual puppies will get you even more.

   Let's not forget a Happy Father's day to all the Sugar Daddies out there.

   @Guys - your nipples make no sense to us.