Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.

   Shawshank my way out of here!

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   I went to the store to buy some beef jerky but my credit application was turned down.

   What sense of getting parrot and not teaching it to say. Hello, it's me Jimmy Hoffa, I was turned into a parrot send help...

   Women should come equipped with traffic lights. That way guys would know when to stop, when to proceed with caution, and when to go hard.

   To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick's Day. . .

   I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?

   Coming from someone who writes "a Atlas" #ignorant #anAtlas

   She might look sweet and innocent until you end up hog tied to a bed naked with a gag in your mouth because you were 'naughty and tried to get away'!

   just call me "Mario" cause I've been looking & looking & cant seem to find a woman either #Nintendo

   It's a damn shame that all the people who avoid me can't just come to terms with being in love with me.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   How touching and appropriate for the LA Clippers to invite the Ole Miss to their game last night to lead the crowd in a stirring rendition of "Dixie"...

   Loneliness is not getting your pets spayed or neutered so that you can have grandkids someday.

   Browns fans haven't been this pumped since one second before Elway started The Drive.

   If the temperature is 94°, yet it feels like 106°, then as far as I'm concerned, it's 106°...which explains my breaking all speed records in getting this ice cream home before it melts.

   How much for the antidepressants? Ma'am those are puppies.

   If he looks unhappy, make him bacon, rub his belly, and break out the rubber toys. Dogs love that $h!t.