Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so glad I don't hunt animals, I have no clue where gluten-free tacos live?!?!

   There should be a wrestler whose finishing move is taking the other wrestlers out for a nice steak dinner, they work hard & they deserve it

   Skip Pi Day instead it's Steak and BJ Day, I like my steak medium and my blow job well done.

   I haven't lost my virginity yet cause I never lose, I'm a winner I want to win.

   People say cherry blossoms are beautiful. I see death by allergies. Achooooo!!!

   ..... Attended a Reverse Ressurrection at the Cemetery today.

   I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.

   And then the imaginary Easter Bunny said "put that obscene picture on Facebook. It's hilarious"... But the Easter Bunny was wrong. So very wrong. According to the HR department.

   an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   *accidentally taxidermies the wrong end of a lion... * "What a catasstrophy!"

   There are people who actually send you Candy Crush invites on Sunday? Really? On the Lord's special day? The evil is strong in you.

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife."

   My feelings for you haven't changed...after a year I still don't like you.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   I took my kid to a Speech Pathologist today but I'm not sure he's really a Dr. All he said was "Say it, don't spray it."