Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since being subtle is wasted on the naive...... I WANT A BB GUN FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

   According to recent posts... Betty Rubble just got a booty call from Optimus Prime. Barney, you stand no chance. Just walk way.

   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

   In an effort to act my own age, I starting dating woman at 7 years younger than me as opposed to ones my own age.

   To err is human,to blame it on someone else is more human..

   planning a night she can't remember!

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   All I want for Christmas is lots of bubble wrap

   Children are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective,,, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

   Sometimes I prefer to use my face for emoticons.

   You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.

   Causing a scene runs in my family.

   Lunch 11:35 This bible verse always keeps me going....

   A new U.S. political television ad from Marco Rubio touts 'Morning in America,' but the opening skyline is unmistakably Vancouver, Canada.

   If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" in the mirror 3 times....a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite drinks at Starbucks.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let my girlfriend sleep.

   Canadians: What are these igloo-dwelling hosers who can no longer apply to be "Jeopardy!" contestants.