Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   I took my kid to a Speech Pathologist today but I'm not sure he's really a Dr. All he said was "Say it, don't spray it."

   I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.

   Shawshank my way out of here!

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   All I want for Christmas is lots of bubble wrap

   My last girlfriend said I was too immature. She dumped me during a game of hide and seek I forced her to play. I searched for days.

   Online classes are just a way to get people to go to class without wearing pants.

   From the government shut down we’re getting to the fact that we need small scale minds in government like a fish needs a bicycle.

   The look you give to someone who is naked is a lot different from the look you give them with clothes on. . .

   I heard the Buffalo Bills are selling a new item.....Player numbered hospital gowns.....

   The government shut down? And no one even noticed...

   The hardest thing in the world to understand is NOT women, its income tax