Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Browns fans haven't been this pumped since one second before Elway started The Drive.

   If the temperature is 94°, yet it feels like 106°, then as far as I'm concerned, it's 106°...which explains my breaking all speed records in getting this ice cream home before it melts.

   How much for the antidepressants? Ma'am those are puppies.

   If he looks unhappy, make him bacon, rub his belly, and break out the rubber toys. Dogs love that $h!t.

   I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.

   I often wonder about people who say : Feels like I am wearing a diaper. I am curious is that something they practice in private. . .

   I think it's time I find the right one to settle down with. By right one I mean a bottle of whiskey and by settle down with I mean drunk.

   If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.

   Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.

   That moment when you have so many things to do and decided to take a nap instead

   "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" - The story of a homeless guy and his dog shunned by society during the holidays.

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.

   vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.

   From the outside everyone looks like a nice person, try living with them for a week and see who they really are.

   It's amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.

   I don't know what's worst seinfields jokes or his hairline

   Necco Wafers: the barium swallow of candies.

   ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife."

   My feelings for you haven't changed...after a year I still don't like you.