Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our relationship was like the Fourth of July. It started with fireworks but was over by the end of the night.

   B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.

   There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.

   A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is cryin.

   Insanity means never having to say “I'm Guilty”.

   My wife decided to take up violin with good intentions but she couldn't decide which chin to rest it on

   honestly believes girls are like parking spaces...good ones are already taken! and the ones left over are handicapped

   The best medicine in the world is a mother's hug

   Its amazing how something so small can feel so good. Q-tips.

   "I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·

   'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.

   Samsung infuse 4G AT&T comercial, with The Lady SCREAMING and the guy Beating the phone with his shoe... Please Hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Thank you

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...

   Guy walks out of the restroom, Girl says:"Sir your garage door is open", Guy asks:"Did you see my Harley", Girl says:"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"

   I tried an experiment last night I took 3 Caffeine Pills and 3 Tylenol PM's to see who would win, ya caffeine won. I been up for 30 hours.

   Condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know that all sales don't have to be final.

   there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

   Fellas: when speaking to a lady, never hang up first.

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.