Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   Daylight Saving Time. Where we lose an hour of eating.

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   Women have options. Men have responsibilities.

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"

   I think Melania deserves a 130,000 dollar shopping spree for her birthday.