Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   Women have options. Men have responsibilities.

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"

   I think Melania deserves a 130,000 dollar shopping spree for her birthday.

   I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.

   Mother's Day is over, back to making sandwiches.

   In Greek mythology, the half-man half-horse creature would gallop around and shout obscenities so that he could be the centaur of attention.

   "Trump University is my first choice and University of Phoenix is my safety school." --A scholastically challenged person in 2007

   I would like to officially nominate Cersei Lannister to be the one to finally separate Church and State .... Once and For All!!!

   Just wondering if Trump's "Make America Great Again" caps will be even more patriotic this Fourth of July.

   Black Jives Shatter