Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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so Trump is off to visit Mexico?. I hope his security detail is up to scratch.
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08-31-2016 09:33
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Trump promises to give generals 30 days to create a plan to defeat ISIS. He also wants them to create a perfume and shoot the ads or they'll be fired.
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09-09-2016 15:53
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The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?
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04-01-2017 16:14
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I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
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04-20-2017 11:32 by MK
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I told my boss I wanted to take a day of mental health leave but I was all out. She said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."
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05-08-2017 11:24
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Somehow I lost my phone. Please inbox me with your social security number.
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05-27-2017 22:08
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My doppelgänger is a package of fried sausages soaking through the cover of a fitness magazine.
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07-12-2017 01:36
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]
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07-12-2017 06:17
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David Wilson coughs up more balls then Kim Kardashian at a Kanye show.
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09-05-2012 21:17
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When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.
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09-07-2012 11:40 by DonDee
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The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.
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09-08-2012 14:01 by Baddie
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It's called ''Honeymoon'' because sooner or later, you wish you were on the moon far away from the devil disguised as ''Honey'' you just married.
Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.
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09-15-2012 09:23
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My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...
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09-19-2012 11:09
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the best way to end up divorced...get married.
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09-26-2012 08:16 by John
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O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.
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09-30-2012 16:59 by snotty
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When someone says they are sending you an email and if you don't see it check your spam mail, you always gotta wonder why their account got flagged in the first place
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10-02-2012 19:45 by Adam
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Hollywood is way out of touch. This new show on every channel is so lame...
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10-03-2012 22:09
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How am I supposed to make an educated decision when I dont know what the hell skinny tastes like!!!
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10-09-2012 16:37
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If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.