Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   If NFL players wanted free speech, then why don't they protest the fines they pay for end zone celebrations?! Hypocrites!

   I'm more excited than a long line of f@t ladies in the grocery store express lane that have their arms filled with Halo Top Diet Ice Cream on a buy one get one free special.

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip cookies are the main reason I have serious trust issues.

   At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.

   We Are More Brilliant Than Einstein And Newton.. It's Just that ...They Didn't Leave Anything For Us To Invent

   Never changing the oil in my car ever again! #NoDAPL

   "Water is Life"? Don't you remember the time it tried to drown you?

   Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.

   PRO TIP : EX-LAX AND SLEEPING PILLS DON'T MIX

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

   DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 GUYS THAT STOLE A CALENDER ? THEY BOTH GOT 6 MONTHS!!!

   I don't always floss, but when I do it's in the dentist's office when the hygienist does it..

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every now and then, I feel as if I'm being all I can be.

   Lady gaga had more yards in the air than Tom Brady.

   You never forget your first love. No matter how hard you try.

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.