Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We Are More Brilliant Than Einstein And Newton.. It's Just that ...They Didn't Leave Anything For Us To Invent

   Never changing the oil in my car ever again! #NoDAPL

   "Water is Life"? Don't you remember the time it tried to drown you?

   Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.

   PRO TIP : EX-LAX AND SLEEPING PILLS DON'T MIX

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.

   DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 GUYS THAT STOLE A CALENDER ? THEY BOTH GOT 6 MONTHS!!!

   I don't always floss, but when I do it's in the dentist's office when the hygienist does it..

   If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every now and then, I feel as if I'm being all I can be.

   Lady gaga had more yards in the air than Tom Brady.

   You never forget your first love. No matter how hard you try.

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   When it comes to acronyms, I believe that DILLIGAF is right "up there" with NASA.

   If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.