Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   Mother's Day is over, back to making sandwiches.

   I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove I had purchased a donut.

   Before the election I was getting a dozen political calls a day. Now nothing. I feel so lonely.

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Who is gonna clean the wall after it's built?

   Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, but no Mexicans. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

   It's hump day, and international women's Day ... so make sure you hump as many international women as you can.

   Trump's healthcare defence is similar to his "grab them by the P" defence. Bill said much worse than I did. Their plan is much worse than my plan. I believe that is known as the loser's limp reaction.

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"