Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates

   Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg? IHOP

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."