Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.

   I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg? IHOP

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   If NFL players wanted free speech, then why don't they protest the fines they pay for end zone celebrations?! Hypocrites!

   I'm more excited than a long line of f@t ladies in the grocery store express lane that have their arms filled with Halo Top Diet Ice Cream on a buy one get one free special.

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip cookies are the main reason I have serious trust issues.

   At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.