Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.

   Ostriches can’t fly, but mostly because they can’t figure out airline luggage rules.

   When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Fun fact. Swedish meatballs are actually a recipe king Charles XII brough back from a trip to Turkey. So they really Turkish meatballs.

   Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.

   Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.

   I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.

   I want a girl who can drink as many beers as me & who orders a burger & fries for dinner, not salad. Also men: She can't be fat, tho.

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   Part Of me says I can't keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "don't listen to that guy... He's drunk."

   BOSS: I don't consider myself wastefull *** BOSS 5 minutes later: prints a 137 page report because he needs the last two pages

   Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.

   If you try to heat a tortilla on the stove and let pieces get stuck on the coils your parents failed you

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.

   "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

   PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

   Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?

   Everybody’s saying Merry Christmas to their friends and family, so here’s a Merry Christmas to all the strangers and enemies no one ever says Merry Christmas to!