Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Husseincare is unconstitutional

   I celebrated 9/11 by swiping towels from motels that were not American owned. Take THAT, Towel Heads.

   Bill O'reilly, you are interviewing the President of the US, not Lindsay Lohan. Let the man finish a thought would you? douchebag.

   MSNBC: quickly moving back to Bridgegate....CNN: quickly moving back to missing airplane.....Fox News: laughing their asses off......

   poking you with a spork

   i guess its better to be picking daisies than pushing them up

   Just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   Give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

   thought they put covers on books so I COULD judge them.

   Here's a helpful hint: the fastest way to get a hold of a live person is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   I'm surprised the FHRITP guy is not at Ferguson screaming his catch phrase on the news...

   Men that make their women laugh get lots of sex - Science

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   I've given up trying to kill you for lent, enjoy your life for the next 38 days.

   How strong am I?...hmm, Is Whiskey a level?

   How do you say "I don't care" in every language known to man?

   My field of dreams is just a fully stocked liquor store.

   Get close so I can push you away. ~ humans

   wait till they get a load of me.. or is that from me.. I can never get that line right

   I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.