Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, Summer's Eve just announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, and KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Flattered when someone rearranges one of my status updates as their own... Thanks

   During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and get pocked my guys you don't really know.

   if your not first your last!... Ricky Bobby.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Drinking Without Breathing

   Use this form for submissions only. Viola"No more Foreign Aid until every American is fed, clothed and has a home" I would vote for any man or woman that promised that...wouldn't care what color, religion or who he/she slept with....PERIOD!!

   You simply have not lived until your dad's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg.

   so Oprah's last show was today... what are her minions going to do now that she is gone from tv? there are housewives in KY who need someone to tell them what books to read and what Scientology is doing to Tom Cruise.

   I don't mean to be mean but leggings on that old dear....that wasn't a camel toe,it was a moose hoof!!!...

   If someone tells you they don't like bacon, you should just stop talking to them. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives.

   Ladies, if you suspect your man of cheating and you know where the "mystery" woman lives... drive by the house and if the WiFi connects you have your answer.

   note to self for next Christmas..... don't leave deer jerky out for Santa - cookies are a better choice...

   Don't piss on my boots and tell me it's raining

   pissed when I wake up in the morning and dont feel like P.Diddy.

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

   Damn!!!...If you gonna be two faced, girl, at least make one of them look pretty...!!!!!

   DVD is to VHS as facebook is to myspace

   wishes he was in Tijuana, eating BBQ'd iguana.