Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   College was the most expensive nap I ever took.

   there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

   Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.

   I wish I could talk like fez from the 70 show. "good day, I said good day

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Just saw the tums commercial with the corn dog smacking the guy in the face. It would be much better if it was the girl getting smacked with the corn dog.

   38sec -The male minute-

   Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??

   Thinks some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   explains Impotence: Its nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

   doesnt have a beer gut.Its a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   doesnt get it...Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   knows for a fact that the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth!

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   Dora: where are we going? Me: to candy mountain! :D

   when I was younger my mum would always give me my food by saying "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" with the spoon. I always ate it as I was afaid if not she wouldnt untie me from the railway lines!