Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says," We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, " But without me, you can't have mass."

   ust looked up from my phone and realized I was sitting in a restaurant that closed in 2007.

   I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   What if Donald Trumps Batman?

   Plaxico Burress is out of jail today... Only a black man would be sent to jail for 2 years for shooting himself...

   So if Justin Bieber has his own cologne...I def think its about time I came up with one of my own..Not sure what too call it tho..They say you should name it after things you like..So I am really leaning toward naming it "Ode to BoobiesVajayjayNinjaFight"

   treat everything like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

   checked in at Charlie Sheen's Bungalow

   saying "black and yellow black and yellow"... sounds like a R. Kelly home made video.

   The problem with us beautiful people is that most people hate us.

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   Doesnt it blow your mind away that 2011 is already half way over?

   So many cool gadgets around. The iPad, iPhone, iPod, etc. It's strange though, none of the electronics stores seem to have this iCarly thing that the kids are all talking about.

   wishes the cold froze off fat rather than ass...

   There was a chilled beer in the fridge and a note, "Don't drink me." Now there's an empty tin and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   girls with flat chests and guys with hips deserve each other.......its only fair.

   The awkward moment...When you see someone wearing a skirt that looks like it could be a belt

   People say I am so cruel, but I have the heart of a small child...in a jar on my desk...

   So today is officially the first day of Spring! Just think, only a mere 277 more days till Winter arrives again...