Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   Ludacris rapping with Justin Bieber should be called "Statutory Rap"

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   Well well well Mr. Sun, It's about time your lazy a$$ showed up for work!!

   70% of my FB friends think I am being disingenuous when I say I find it funny that they "like" my posts. The other 30% are Googling "disingenuous"...

   Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"

   UGLY = [U]nderstand [G]od [L]oves [Y]ou

   it did not taste like chicken at all

   I can't wait for the next Daniel Radcliffe movie, where he will play "the guy played by the kid who used to be Harry Potter in this new movie that no one will see."

   the feeling of getting an email with an attachment

   to the guy who keeps posting with such enthusiam about his wife's mum, might be better off spending time looking into your own gene pool first

   I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."

   Watching depression medication commercials makes me depressed. I'm just glad herpes commercials don't have the same effect.

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise."

   99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

   Can someone text me a donut?