Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A terrorist attack killing thousands, a car wreck killing two. Nice try britboy

   There's nothing worse than getting crop dusted by the gay guy at work on a Monday morning...

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   I ran into a women at the grocery store. She was wearing a tshirt with the word GUESS written across the front. I said 34C. My face still hurts.

   "safe days" is a ploy by women to trap men with pregnancies. everyone knows women cant do maths

   ......Update status, nobody likes?...... -_- (1) Deletes Facebook profile (2) Move to a next country (3) Change name (4) Start new life =)

   HA!!!!...Washington and Oregon legalize pot ...now Twinkies and Ho-Hos are out of business.. just a matter of time now before they declare a a state of emergency in those states!!!!...OMG... it's the TWINKIPOCALYPSE ... Maybe the Mayans were right!

   The fat jokes may be funny, but remember, sometimes the fatties slim up and then the jokes on you.

   All I wanted to watch on TV tonight was, "the biggest loser." Looks like he's on network!!

   I bet Clint Eastwood felt real stupid when he found out it was Manti Te'os girlfriend in that chair & not Obama.

   69 = Do unto others as you would like them do unto you.

   In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ar5e and said " give me your phone number sexy " I said " have you got a pen " she smiled and said " yes " I said " well feck off back to it,before the farmer notices your missing

   The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.

   My favorite Transformer is the one that transforms from a hoe into a housewife.

   Facebook asks me "Whats on my mind" so I post whats on my mind. If you don't like it, you know where the unfriend and block option is

   N Korea claims it is in a "state of war" with the south. We could end this easily by turning over South Korea's most valuable asset: Gangnam Style!

   Melania confirms in CNN interview that she is very angry at Moose and Squirrel.

   States are going blue like a pad in a period commercial

   Why is being heartless and full of hate the cool thing to do in this era?

   No one has a good time with you unless you pay them. And yes, they were laughing at you.