Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do dirty things when I'm home alone like the dishes, the laundry, all the housework,

   911: What's your emergency? Me: I can't get out of a conversation 911: That's not- Me: HE'S A VEGAN ATHEIST! 911: Dispatching SWAT now, Sir.

   Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.

   It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?

   For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.

   Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa

   What do we tell Jesus when he comes back to earth and finds out we call the day of his death Good Friday? He be all like ... WTF?

   Why do people even bother to say stuff like, “Please say hi to so and so for me” when we all know very well that message is never passed on?

   Yes creepy guy at work , we all know what you mean when you talk about eating your wife's fish taco...

   Since Disney now owns Star Wars and the new one will be out this year, featuring Princess Leia. That would now make her a Disney Princess.

   I can look dead in your face while you’re talking, and not hear a damn thing you said.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.

   I tried taking up the guitar recently to impress girls but they were disgusted when I could only get the neck in.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth, so I get it grils. I get it.

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   It's time for Ray Rice to be Challenged. Lets see how many punches he can take before he is knocked out. . .

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".

   what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one

   In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Hillary Rodham Clinton