Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what happens in vegas never happens to me

   i once solved a rubiks cube by not buying it

   You know what they say "Home is where you hang your enemies head."

   Remember ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park

   dating a rich guy can make you an INTELLIGENT BUSINESS WOMAN... and dating a poor guy makes you a HARD WORKER

   My kitchen smells like Ke$ha. (Tequila, lime and fish.)

   If you're moody most of the time on Facebook, I assume you're run out of Marijuana.

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   "Delete or block some friends!" The new way to "Quit Facebook Addiction". Ridiculous!

   Alcohol, explosives, rednecks, and cops.......hmmm anyone else feeling a country song coming on???

   If I'm not mistaken, I believe my 6 year-old just tried to choke me by using the Force.

   The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off

   Transparency: The ability to see within another's heart ... all strengths & weaknesses ... and to accept everything unconditionally.

   This is such a beautiful day... now watch some idiot screw it up!

   So, My girlfriend asked me if I loved Her,..No girl, I only think about you all day, text you whenever I can & Stare at you constently when i'm with you.

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love Australia???

   I have to start reading labels, I definitely just covered myself in this girl's shimmering lotion, maybe I thought it said slimming

   I complimented this chick on her dress today but what I really meant was, you have an awesome rack.

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   tomorrow the Unites States will be 235 years old......In the south it is also the day the following phrase is repeated more than any other, "HOLD MY BEER, WATCH THIS"