Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Microwave popcorn...my own personal fireworks noise.

   I want to go to prison....I hear the exercise program there is AWESOME!!!

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...

   I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends."

   You can't be hot when you're asleep, especially when you're in a deep sleeping having a dream about making love to a Snowman!

   If you eat smores with a knife and fork you have no soul.

   I miss the bottle rocket wars we use to have as a kid...Oh and too my boy "One Eyed Willy" thank you for taking one for the team all those years ago...What you lack in depth perception you make up with heart...

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

   The Census Bureau admits to undercounting over a million residents in California.....Congrats to Schwarzenegger for managing to cover up all those illegitimate kids!

   Driving cars is like having sex, all guys think they're good at it

   You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!

   Shirt wet, face sweaty, heavy breathing......no, you pervs.....I just mowed the front yard.......

   ‎7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don't be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse ;) Happy 4th of July!!

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and thank him for saving us from the Alien Invasion!

   celebrating the 4th by putting pop-rocks in the vaseline!!

   Napsterbation. Combining two of my favorite activities..