Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Enough respect to women who know how to roll bada$$ blunts.

   That Awkward Moment when you realise the person you dating has always looked like that. You just never noticed cause you were whipped!

   I here Weiner is on suicide watch. Someone's afraid he's gonna choke himself to death.........

   Dear driver of the car in front of me.... you do not make that amount of effort and beat me off the lights, only to go and drive under the speed limit. You.... are a b!tch

   The capital of Montana is not Hannah.

   likes to sell things to guys with fake hair just so he can say, "How are you going Toupée?"

   Females that utter males terms such as "Suck My D*ck" will NEVER get married.

   Dear periods, You are the true definition of "bloody hell." Sincerely, Girls

   Ťhï§ ï§ hőw äň öřğą§m fəəļ§ whëņ pűť ïņťø wőřđ§.

   My friend came over today and left his new laptop on the damn floor. My dad not knowing how old fashion he is thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My dad weighs 980.34$ dollars.

   Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married....The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

   when your sitting at redlight, surrounded by people. Do you toss your McD's bag, old paper work and junk mail out the window? No?..then why the hell do you flick your half smoked cig out, like its acceptable behavior?! You jagoffs!!

   Christianity should not be cover for Douchebaggery.

   Breaking news - snow white has been thrown out of Disneyland after sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce him

   (RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH) (LA)²

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   all alone on christmas so why not get drunk ? Beers in the fridge !

   i dont know much about pies, but daaaaamn you make my banana cream!

   what we have here...is a failure to communicate....