Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am used but in good condition

   spent yet another day successfully converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.

   If there weren't geeks in this world, then there'd be no cool people. I'd like to thank all the geeks.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers

   reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   Happy Singles Discrimination Day!

   Everyone has a freak flag, some just fly their's more than others....im jus sayin....

   what is this world coming to? screw Hannah Montana and Jonas... bring back tom and Jerry, scooby doo, and mickey mouse!

   I believe my entire life is one complicated drinking game...

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....

   If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner??

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'