Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

   Don't hold onto anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love !

   believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

   heard that Greece won at the world cup today...given their recent debt write downs it's a good thing they didn't have to buy a goal.

   flooding newsfeeds with youtube videos....

   best job in the world .... a pillow ,get to lay in bed all day and get head every night

   Whoever thought that climbing into a box and doing their thinking there didn't come up with the best idea...

   Russians have grossly misunderstood roulette. Someone needs to tell them it's gambling on numbers, not maybe killing yourself.

   If the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, I don't think I wanna wake up.

   Thanksgiving: The only day where it's American to stuff your face and be proud of it!

   I hate dealing with the "middle man" so Wednesday, please hurry and go away and let me see your Boss Friday... Thanks!

   Some kids were dropped as a baby ... you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, hitting the wall, and tossed out the window..

   The only thing scarier than Christine O'Donell is the thought her being in office and in charge of the nuclear codes.

   loves that you are nonodys friend until facebook tell you that you are.

   I got my free meal from Applebee's today, it was good to see fellows Vets of all ages getting it in. Although I swear some of them old guys look like the may hay survived the war of 1812 I'm glad we enjoyed it together. Now who's pouring free DRINKS for u

   saving his breath, I need it to blow up my date

   Think about it If there where no men in the world there would be no crime, but all women would be happy, and Fat!

   Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

   just ran across the road to grab a chicken for Lunch

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth