Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After a long first game the Cubs seem to have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, Congrats to Ryan Dumpster, 6 runs in 6 innings not a bad start..

   The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

   At this rate, the government should start up a fuel stamp program

   you cant beat the stupid out of people but sometimes its funy to try.

   wonders if  regular squirrels get mad at their parents  when they see a flying squirrel?

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself

   It's always your favorite sins that do you in

   Real recognize real and you don't look familiar to me!

   Waiting for you to find me hiding in the closet so you can pee yourself when I jump out screaming

   its hard "not to judge a book by its cover" when its barely covered, orange, wearing pounds of makeup, fake eyelashes, and bleach blonde.

   needs an elf to wrap presents…..oh and do the laundry too while your at it.

   Since saying "Happy New Year" doesn't seem to give people much luck, she's going to say "Have a bad New Year" and turn thier luck around!

   Has used many of these's [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅] to help women further their education..or say that was what I was told at the time...

   at the crossroads of life and has taken the road less traveled........only because of my stupid "Tom-Tom" those GPS devises can be very irritating sometimes.

   advising to talk to the status.... the hand is not listening!!

   I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls.

   i would punch you in the face. But you Don't even deserve that

   Hates it when you are waiting at a red light for a long time with zero traffic then it changes to a flashing yellow.

   With no natural predators the last hope for humanity is pinned on the Internet giving idiots just enough information to cleanse themselves from our gene-pool

   Happiness is cruising in the fast lane, maybe just a smidge over the limit, and the cop car right behind you, that you hadn't noticed, turning his overheads on. . . and immediately crossing over the median to go after some poor slob going the other way:-)