Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Won a time machine on eBay. Disappointed when I received a damn clock.

   If you think what I just said was offensive, you don't want to hear the things that I stopped myself from saying.

   Facebook is daycare for adults.

   Keep looking my way, My head is held high! You wanna bring me down? I dare you to try!

   waking up from a great dream only to fall back asleep and continue that same dream

   Just when you finally get to that moment you've been waiting for all your life, somebody yells "Time's up!"

   there is no elevator to success! You have to take the stairs, one step at a time.

   Casey Anthony is still a MILF.. The 'M' just stands for Murderer.

   You know how you're in a rush to meet someone or be somewhere at a certain time and then they call you to find out where you are, you're so far away you lie and tell them you're somewhere like 10 min ahead of you

   When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

   why does LIFE keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

   i just perfectly reverse parked my truck into a tight spot... Turns out the "tight Spot" was my girlfriend...

   The moment of panic when the traffic light turns yellow and your mind instantly screams, "Can I make it?!".

   Someone just told me that thw word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   wondering what it takes to kill that 0.01% of germs.

   NAACP blasts CNN for its lack of diversity in prime time. Strangely silent on MSNBC wonderbread lineup.

   Naming a male baby is rarely easy. Go with a cool name, like Nosferatu.

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   Earlier I tapped my foot twice to a song. Sometimes the dance just bursts right out of me.