Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   Final Brexit tally is in: 48% Sense and Sensibility, 52% Pride and Prejudice.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.

   Now Trump is accusing Obama of being the founder of NSYNC. Which in some ways is even more offensive.

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.

   So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Everyone's up in arms over Pepe LePew romancing a cat. Newsflash: Most men are skunks and we romance pu$$y. Same difference. And I can promise you that trait isn't learned from a cartoon.

   First that idiot cut me off in traffic, then he steals my parking spot, and now his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Class? Hardcore girl-on-girl porn is considered class? The human race is fcked up. Please kill us all now, God.

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.