Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nerf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect dammit !!

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   CNN Breaking News: Falcons Playbook was Hacked by Russia!!!!

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   Final Brexit tally is in: 48% Sense and Sensibility, 52% Pride and Prejudice.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.

   Now Trump is accusing Obama of being the founder of NSYNC. Which in some ways is even more offensive.

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.

   So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.