Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.

   If Pictionary is where you draw pictures then what’s Dictionary.

   CNN Breaking News: Falcons Playbook was Hacked by Russia!!!!

   A German Shepherd named Rumor won the Westminster Dog Show. He will now be breed...aka spreading Rumors.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   just microwaved some soup......ever get the feeling you're being watched?

   So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Everyone's up in arms over Pepe LePew romancing a cat. Newsflash: Most men are skunks and we romance pu$$y. Same difference. And I can promise you that trait isn't learned from a cartoon.

   "Hello ICE? There are people speaking spanish in NYC."

   The only way to make sense of Scott Pruitt’s time at the EPA is if he opens a U.S. taxpayer-funded used mattress store in Moscow.

   "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."

   Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean..... Against the walls, tables, chairs ect ect

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.

   Just when I'm happy to be alive, The Connors comes on.