Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder when people without cars pick their noses...

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   GIRL TALK: Leaving me gasping for air after we have sex wins you a second round.

   typos are totally acceptable on Fcaeobok...

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   I didn't lose a follower I gained an enemy.

   I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day is this normal?

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   I'm just sayin it's times like these that I'm thankful for the health of my imaginary girlfriend.... Blessed

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s because I’m thirsty.

   If you listen to your heart please see a doctor cause it isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you.

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!

   Happy Mardi Gras Everyone, Party yourself in oblivion.

   Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.

   goto yahoo, then click "Best and worst dressed at Oscars", first pic Halle Berry, second pic Pinocchio....

   Oscars - some award show for boring movies I will probably never watch even if they paid me.

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.