Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.

   I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   I am the type of person who would find having super powers a real hassle

   "Half a Dozen", because saying "six" was just too difficult.

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it

   I am sorry I had to UNLIKE all your pics after my girlfriend read me the riot act.

   Yes men, you CAN fold a washcloth the wrong way.

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.

   *runs down the street to catch up to ice cream truck* hey are you guys hiring

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   Hoes wanting to see 50 Shades Of Grey over the SpongeBob movie is what is wrong with this world.

   Cannot wait for this new Magic Mike movie -Said no man ever

   I tried j*rking off with my left hand and, it doesn't feel so right