Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it

   I am sorry I had to UNLIKE all your pics after my girlfriend read me the riot act.

   Yes men, you CAN fold a washcloth the wrong way.

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.

   *runs down the street to catch up to ice cream truck* hey are you guys hiring

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   If my attitude towards people was the same as my attitude towards dogs, I'd be a lot more tolerant of jerks if they were good cuddlers.

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   Hoes wanting to see 50 Shades Of Grey over the SpongeBob movie is what is wrong with this world.

   Cannot wait for this new Magic Mike movie -Said no man ever

   I tried j*rking off with my left hand and, it doesn't feel so right

   "I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?

   Like my uncle Gary always used to say, "Don't bother, they won't beleive you anyway"

   I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden

   If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!