Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   If I was the Director of NASA, I would make all of the ground crew dress up as Apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands just to screw with them....now that would make a good movie...

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Regular a** (_!_) fat a** (__!__) tight a** (!) dumba** (_?_)

   New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.

   How many Bears can Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill Bears?

   It's so hott, I just seen a bird blow on a worm before it ate it..

   The game should really be called Angry Terds, because the only time I ever seem to play it is on the toilet.

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   It is so hot, the trees in my neighborhood are whistling for dogs.

   When I think back at all the pluses of being Italian, the culture, the music, the cuisine, the women...the one thing that really stands out in my mind after all these years was that I netted more than $50,000.00 at my First Communion.

   Went from being single to being in a relationSH*T

   Don't be too proud of what you have now. Be proud of what you had to do to get it.

   In life, every one of us is dealing with different kinds of problems. The trick is not about comparing your problems with other people, it's about solving your own.

   If you want to know whether you are ready to marry the one you are with, first ask yourself these two important questions. (1) Is this the best I can do? (2) Is this as good as it will ever get? If your answer to both questions is positive, then go ahead

   I admit that condoms protect me from STDs, AIDS and Herpes but sometimes I feel they take their job way too seriously and too far by also protecting me from maximum pleasure!

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   God knows we aren't strong all the time. That's when he wants us to have faith & take his hand as he leads us out of the dark....-Amen!

   That automatic "via" message changed this week..... Just my way of quietly telling Apple to f*ck off!