Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?

   Like my uncle Gary always used to say, "Don't bother, they won't beleive you anyway"

   I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden

   If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!

   Was visiting New York and asked someone, "How do I get to Carnegie hall?" The said, "Practice man, practice."

   I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.

   Love me like Oprah loves bread!

   I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   ...... People at these rest area restrooms are creepy ... the guy in stall next to me makes wierd noises and has four feet

   When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.

   Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it