Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   just downloaded this new app called iColi... it's sick!

   I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Playboy magazine smiling next to Charlie Sheen...

   What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

   69 + 69 = dinner for four. . .

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   Canada doesn't want you. Why would be buy something that's broken?

   A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

   If Trump becomes President, maybe theres a chance I can use my Trump University degree to finally get a job.

   must be stored in a cool dry place away from sunlight.

   blind man walking past fish market says, "Hello, ladies."

   I was at the red light beside a car load of mexicans when a semi ran over top them. I thought, dang that could've been me. So I got my CDL's

   What is the scariest thing about a white person in prison? You know he did it.

   Oops, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know that you were a Special Needs Person. Until you said, “I don’t like The New President of the United States of America.”

   "Things to not say on an airplane?" Hmm. Let me think......................"Islamic prayers?"

   A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."

   The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I'll never give a crap what your name is

   running with scissors and playing with matches...

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it!

   If Americans are so angry about illegal border crossings, why does the national anthem start with 'Jose can you see?'