Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves playing "who can use the least amount of toilet paper so you don't have to change the roll" game....

   thinks Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.

   To reality check , sorry for not being up on Buick stock like you ... don't care .. as far as Tiger ..again ..don't care .. You take this crap seriously , don't you .. man , please go get laid !!!

   My mom said to me "Guess whose washing the dishes tonight?!"...I Soulja boyd her & said "YOUUUUUUUUUU!"

   Believing Ru$$ian disinformation over US intelligence makes you a commie lover and your grandfathers must be turning in their graves with shame.

   Of course Trump hasn't doesn't pay taxes... He knows ALL the good loopholes,, Like, "Mail order brides are tax deductible"

   If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.

   The odds that Trump will get a fair shake from the corned beef pickle munching media are about as good as the odds I'll get a Justin Bieber tattoo in the small of my back!

   Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

   Peope say to me, "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "would you put bumper stickers on a Ferrari?"

   One nicely manicured pu$$y is worth two in the bush.

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   just downloaded this new app called iColi... it's sick!

   I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Playboy magazine smiling next to Charlie Sheen...

   What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

   69 + 69 = dinner for four. . .

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   Canada doesn't want you. Why would be buy something that's broken?

   A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

   If Trump becomes President, maybe theres a chance I can use my Trump University degree to finally get a job.