Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - When no one believes you even if everything you say is the truth, hurt a little, cry a little and let the choice be theirs.

   : If you can't tolerate me at my Worst, then you sure do not deserve me at my Best!!!

   I hate when I am all alone in the house then things like soda cans in the trash decide to pop and make noises!

   I wonder what quality the wife of the inventor of Vagisil possessed that made him want to create such a thing

   I'm seriously as bored as a vegetarian gay guy at hooters!

   If I had a nickel for every time a girl said, “I'm Over him, I deleted his number & deleted him off Facebook” & then their back together the next day.

   The amount of paper towel I use to squash and discard a bug is directly related to whether or not I know what kind of bug it is

   So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply b/c the wrong person will often say all the right things.

   If at first you don't succeed, sigh, sigh again.

   It's amazing how a blue fish with memory trouble can be such a great motivational speaker! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming".

   Maybe she's born with it... Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe it's Photoshop

   aww. you need to wipe your mouth sweetheart, you've got some bull ish on your lips.

   as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up its the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.

   You never can reallly know if a person actually said a quote or not. -Abraham Lincoln

   "If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a b!tch ain't one" -Abraham Lincoln

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say “go for it”

   Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.